Caryl McBride has written a very useful, simple and useful book «Will I Ever Be Good Enough?». In the title of the book Caryl poses the question: «Will I Ever Be Good Enough?» This question is rhetorical. He is. Children of narcissistic mothers know it. Whatever you do, you will never make enough to satisfy the ego of the parent. If you get the title «Best Man of the Universe», the mother asks: who are the judges? And who was the jury?
What is a narcissistic mother? Someone probably already knows this term, someone has read it here first. For the latter, let me tell briefly what it is about. In the end I give links for those wishing to understand. A narcissistic mother (NM hereafter) considers the child as an individual and as a continuation of his. The classic analogy lead to texts about this: imagine that your left hand is before that obeyed your commands, and then suddenly decided he did not want to spend time with you/scratch your nose/do the Laundry. You are somewhat confused. It’s YOUR hand. It is your continuation. What the fuck? It is necessary to understand and punish.
Approximately so NM perceive children. Due to the specifics of the sexes, the boys relationship in this family is rarely affected as much as girls. The girl perceived the absolute continuation of the mother (following her in eternity), while her rival for the attention of husband-father and other resources. Attention is also resource, Yes. The result is a painful competition and rivalry between mother and daughter. All this leads to a dysfunctional family (dysfunctional family). Curiously, inside the members of such a family is unhappy, the mother is able to maintain a facade and for show exemplary family.
In the first part the reader learns that the phenomenon of narcissistic mother. The author gives the definition of a narcissistic personality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. According to statistics, in America half a million women are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. According to the Handbook, doctors are looking for nine signs for diagnosis. The author then reassures the reader — these signs are at all.
Disorder when the power of their manifestations is beyond the normal range. Will list part: inflated sense of self-importance, a demand of praise and compliments, lack of empathy (unwillingness to understand and respect the feelings of others) envy of others or belief that jealous of her, arrogant and other degrading behavior.
At the end of the Chapter the author gives a questionnaire or a task that must be performed. This book requires work from the reader. No need to think that you sit comfortably on the couch with the baby soft, take the book in your hands and after that everything will work out. I read it and did the job a month and a half not because it’s hard for me to read two hundred pages. But because it is difficult to bring to the surface that are suppressed for years. No reason to read the book and not to perform the task. The author stresses this constantly. Read and understand the mind is not equal to understanding at a deep level. To work on a real, and not like in NLP books, you need time and effort. I can use Notepad and a pencil. On the computer I can’t seem to write.
If you think that there is just a term NM, you were wrong. Psychologists distinguish two types: overly caring mother and an indifferent mother. A caring mother (engulfing mother) is trying to suppress and control his daughter’s life. In childhood this is done simply, and when the daughter grows up, if its enough quality to break earlier, and the adult will be to obey mother. And her husband (if he will) and her children (grandchildren NM). Indifferent mother (ignoring mother) pulls away from her daughter, feeling her proximity, even when she is small, does not show care and affection. Many mothers do not consider it a problem. “What’s the problem, food is, clothes are, what do you want?” This message comes from them in relation to the daughter. It is clear that literally nobody ever said that, but it can be felt.
Curiously, optional NM rigidly refers to a particular type. Behavior can change over time, or the mother may behave differently with different kids. With one daughter to be cold and indifferent, in the life of another to climb with feet and dirty shoes. The author cites six types on the basis of the classification, all examples.
However, the classifications are not only mothers. The result of such training daughter become either overly diligent (complex straight a student in this category), or sabotage everything in my life.
Diligent daughter sincerely believe that they get a raise at work/climb Kilimanjaro/Rodi they are three, the mother will finally look at them lovingly, cuddle and say “You’re so good to me! I love you” (what she said to her daughter as a child). However, for some inexplicable reason, their efforts and achievements remain without praise. On a promotion at work mom remembers daughter Lights from the fourth entrance, who graduated from Harvard and works in the organization Doctors without borders, rescuing people in disadvantaged countries, and also won the title of Miss universe, and raised five. On the ascent to Kilimanjaro’s mom will say that she aged daughter three times conquered Everest (as an option — such nonsense was not engaged). The birth of three, the mother will find something to say. At least throw a “Swaddled wrong”, I’m not talking about the grandchildren later in life.
However, sooner or later, every student and diligent daughter out of steam and realizes that whatever she has achieved, it will not be good enough. So she raises her hand and says “to hell with this!” Expressed this idea to hell diverse. From alcoholic and drug addiction to destructive relationships with men. From self-sabotage to making destructive decisions. Usually followed by a complete rupture of relations with NM. Such daughter find themselves at one point washing the pots in the garden for very little money with two young children with no prospects and future. This is a long series of wrong and fatal decisions made under the influence of a decadent mood and self-destructive tendencies.
The second step requires emotional work. The one that nobody wants to perform. The author warns that everyone feels guilty when he thinks about his mother as NM. It is inherent in us, that feeling no one can hide. But with him we can and should work, and the author shows how. In this step, the reader will “grieve” — to work through all the resentments that have accumulated over all the time. It’s painful, difficult and unpleasant. Why do it? Caryl warns that many will want to skip this step and jump to the third. But it doesn’t work.
If you just think “well, that’s when then there was a bad situation, well, okay”, that is the surface realization. To heal, we need to work on the subconscious, pulling from the depths that you hid in a drawer in the dusty corner and nailed with nails. It is there and it will be there until you don’t understand. To do this, the author suggests several techniques for any taste.
All this is done for the third, last step. This is the stage of healing when you cried the tears, beat the pillows, shout at the mattress (don’t know who does that, not me). In this stage, the author will teach you how to forgive and let go of the past and how not to let new words and situations hurt again. One main thing that you need to accept — NM does not change and does not recognize anything. You don’t need it anymore, because you have done all in the second step. Now you do not expect the approval, praise, in General, your expectations are not too high. The main thing that has changed you. It is what it is. What to do next — you decide. The author gives choices and opportunities.